This is part 3 in a series about Learning to Live with Myself. It is my reflective thoughts inspired by a chapter in the book Living With Contradiction by Esther de Waal.
"If I am appreciated for what I do, what I achieve, I am not in fact unique since someone else can do the same, and probably do it better than I." pg. 45
This was a phrase that really challenged my heart. As I think about my many roles and my inability to pull off all roles well, the phrase above really humbled me. But it didn't humble me in a shameful way rather it humbled me in a freeing way. It released me from the need to do and perform. It really woke me up to the fact that instead of trying to do everything perfectly (which I couldn't do anyway) to realize that wasn't the point at all. If the things we do aren't the point, than what indeed is the point?
Remember the still small voice from last time: Christ. Christ is the point. Christ defines me, fills me, goes before me and behind me. The journey is to know Him, that is the point. I don't need to live in the fear and failure of not meeting my "roles" instead I am invited to know Him and walk with Him through my journey (the good, the bad and the ugly).
"Fear so often leads me into activity to prove my value. But if productivity becomes my main way of overcoming self-doubt I lay myself open to rejection and criticism... My productivity really only reveals how much I am driven by fear of not being up to the standard and an insatiable desire to justify myself." pg. 45-46
"If I ask God to accept me as I am now, in the present, I am also able to receive whatever he has in store for me in the future." pg.48
I often find myself reflecting on the past or believing that the future will be "better" than today. However, I know that the invitation from Him is to live in the present with Him. I am realizing that in order to embrace the elusive future with open hands, I need to learn to live with and in the present (because indeed today was yesterday's future). The ability to do this all comes down to where I rest my identity. In response:
I quit my self-made production where I was the director, the producer, the actresses and the audience. You see I realized that I was the only critic who faithfully showed up night after night. Rarely was a standing ovation given and the only voice that was continually heard came from only 1: I. Others that surrounded me often received short, snappy responses to innocent statements not knowing that I had placed them in an audience of a play they did not know they were attending. Their statements being received by me as criticism, "Did they not know how hard I worked to perform this role?" "Did they not see my earlier performance where I aced it?" Or their "interruptions" were being received in exasperation. Again, "Did they not know that I was now preparing for my next role, where I needed to succeed?" You see they weren't looking at me as someone playing a role. Instead, they just want me, to enjoy me, to be with me as I am for who I am.
Accepting that Christ accepts me for who I am, as I am, now not tomorrow, that is a place of freedom for me.
A mixture rom John 10 (MSG):
I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.
I am the Good Shepherd. I know my own sheep and my own sheep know me. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he gets them all out, he leads them and they follow because they are familiar with his voice.
I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.
In Christ,
Image: Sunlight in Antarctica. Photograph. Encyclopædia Britannica ImageQuest. Web. 20 Mar 2015.
http://quest.eb.com/search/119_1781894/1/119_1781894/cite
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